There is a simple principle behind how Normals choose a transportation option: which option will cost the most?
It's not about avoiding public transportation, because Normals will drive instead of ride the bus, but will fly instead of drive.
Some Normals will tell you that they choose their transportation options based on the high value of their time, but this falls apart upon closer analysis. When employed, I commute by train, where I can get in an hour of reading or other work; meanwhile, the interstate is clogged with Normals who arrive ten minutes earlier but have spent the last fifty minutes doing nothing but listening to Lite FM.
It's not about pure speed: riding a cab through downtown is slower than biking, the subway, private transport, and often even walking. Gosh, in most systems, the cabbie gets paid to take longer to get you there.
What can you do when traveling with a Normal? You have to share mode of transport, and want to convince the Normal to bike or take the bus, say. Be careful to not present options in terms that the Normal doesn't care about, like health benefits, environmental benefits, time savings, or simple basic fucking sanity. Just tell your Normal pal that your preferred method is what all the rich people do, and that it'll "unfortunately" cost more than it seems. Sorry, you explain, bus passes in this city are $10 a ride, but it's cool, I'll pay for you. You can cover dinner.
Or, I think you should get a bike so we can get around town. I've just got this klunky Schwinn, but I saw this Titanium-plated frame made by Mongolian monks with Campanelle components for only $28,000.
Sadly, it seems few celebrities commute by bicycle, so these strategies may just not work. Normals aren't idiots, and they've seen Brangelina and the like driving those priuses. But they've yet to see them pedalling along Melrose. Further, your normal might not feel exclusive enough on the bus, seeing that *those* people afforded transportation on said bus. I suggest telling them that Obama raffled off tickets to community members, but the rest were only available at a high price. Normals love Obama helping poor people to experience their richness...like the Neighborhood Ball. Tell them that each person riding that bus had to write an essay on what transportation on a bus would mean to them.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
Dressing as a normal
This was B's post:
Shoes are essential. If you are a girl, your shoes should be as impractical as possible. It takes only three points to define a plane upon which you can stand, so find shoes whose bottom is as close to two points as possible. Boys, studies show that girls only care about your shoes, so get shoes that are as shiny as possible---Normal girls like shiny objects!
Once you have the shoes covered, the rest is basically irrelevant. That's why girls in Normal porn wear shoes but nothing else.
These are Slick's thoughts:
Dressing as a normal requires a lack of creativity. What makes someone normal? The bulk of people dress/act/think/behave as they do. They're in the sweet spot of the that normal distribution, where they can share clothes with just about everyone, because they're average (and therefore have more friends than you or I do). It's a skill normals have: they naturally find the most common outfit/trend/preferences/etc. 60% of people are wearing yellow this season? Color my wardrobe goldenrod!
If you're not a normal, you might not enjoy shopping at Gap, or Banana Republic, or J. Crew. You might enjoy finding bargains at, gasp, thrift stores. Or maybe looking in the old woman's section of the department store for bizarre clothes at senior citizen prices. Or sewing a new dress out of old neckties. But when you try to get a job working for normals (and hopefully, for a normal paycheck), you wanna look like one of them. You want to blend in. You WANT to look like everyone else. So, do what you usually don't: shop at a chain store, and do your best to leave not feeling miserable. I do this by walking into a Banana Republic, and putting together random things. I end up looking more like me than the mannequin, but my potential for leaving looking like a freak all but disappears. You will not look artsy, schlumpy, or crunchy wearing your GAP outfit out of the store. You will affect normalcy, and this will help you in your interactions.
Don't forget! You'll need to get your accessories at a normal store, too. If left to my own devices, I might wear a chunky African necklace with my sweater set from Anne Taylor. So I let one of the dazed and very peppy sales ladies pick out my bag, my necklace, the socks/hose and the shoes. I take no chances. This is serious business.
Shoes are essential. If you are a girl, your shoes should be as impractical as possible. It takes only three points to define a plane upon which you can stand, so find shoes whose bottom is as close to two points as possible. Boys, studies show that girls only care about your shoes, so get shoes that are as shiny as possible---Normal girls like shiny objects!
Once you have the shoes covered, the rest is basically irrelevant. That's why girls in Normal porn wear shoes but nothing else.
These are Slick's thoughts:
Dressing as a normal requires a lack of creativity. What makes someone normal? The bulk of people dress/act/think/behave as they do. They're in the sweet spot of the that normal distribution, where they can share clothes with just about everyone, because they're average (and therefore have more friends than you or I do). It's a skill normals have: they naturally find the most common outfit/trend/preferences/etc. 60% of people are wearing yellow this season? Color my wardrobe goldenrod!
If you're not a normal, you might not enjoy shopping at Gap, or Banana Republic, or J. Crew. You might enjoy finding bargains at, gasp, thrift stores. Or maybe looking in the old woman's section of the department store for bizarre clothes at senior citizen prices. Or sewing a new dress out of old neckties. But when you try to get a job working for normals (and hopefully, for a normal paycheck), you wanna look like one of them. You want to blend in. You WANT to look like everyone else. So, do what you usually don't: shop at a chain store, and do your best to leave not feeling miserable. I do this by walking into a Banana Republic, and putting together random things. I end up looking more like me than the mannequin, but my potential for leaving looking like a freak all but disappears. You will not look artsy, schlumpy, or crunchy wearing your GAP outfit out of the store. You will affect normalcy, and this will help you in your interactions.
Don't forget! You'll need to get your accessories at a normal store, too. If left to my own devices, I might wear a chunky African necklace with my sweater set from Anne Taylor. So I let one of the dazed and very peppy sales ladies pick out my bag, my necklace, the socks/hose and the shoes. I take no chances. This is serious business.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Math
We all know the double-standard: if you haven't read Hamlet, you're a loser; if you don't know how to take the derivative of x^2, you're a Normal.
When you say anything vaguely mathy, it gets filtered in the mind of the Normal.
You say: isn't it amazing that e to the pi i minus one is zero? I've been thinking about the theological implications of that lately.
The Normal hears: Wow, Algebra II was so long ago. I was sixteen, which means I was hot. If I weren't a virgin, that would've been the best sex of my life.
When you say anything vaguely mathy, it gets filtered in the mind of the Normal.
You say: isn't it amazing that e to the pi i minus one is zero? I've been thinking about the theological implications of that lately.
The Normal hears: Wow, Algebra II was so long ago. I was sixteen, which means I was hot. If I weren't a virgin, that would've been the best sex of my life.
Workin' hard or hardly workin'?
We like the unpredictable. It's funny. Clever is saying something unexpected, and as WE ALL KNOW, the same area in your brain that lights up when something is funny lights up when something surprises you. So a punchline you don't see comin'? Hilarious. Talking about how that normal over there is stochastically dominating the conversation because the expectation that she speaks is greater than the expectation that someone else speaks? COMIC GOLD.
Unless you're a normal. In which case, you'll want pre-approved jokes...phrases that others before you have laughed upon hearing. George Meyer, a former writer for the Simpsons noted in an interview that people hate having to figure out whether something is funny or not. He also observes that the lines which receive the greatest laugh at a movie screening are usually ones that appeared in a movie trailer...pre-approved moments of laughter!
Here's how to be funny with your Normal:
Normals like familiarity. Go ahead: stereotype! Nothing funnier than a fast-talking Hispanic or an Asian who can't drive or a dumb Polish person.
Person one: Hey, lemme tell you a great Polish joke I just heard
Person two: Fuck you, _I'm_ Polish.
Person one: That's OK, I'll explain it slowly.
Familiar forms are essential. Here's a perfect joke for normals (in B's opinion):
Iron atom walks into a bar. He sees a hot oxygen atom sitting there. She looks at the iron atom and says `have we met before' and he says, `I dunno. I'm a bit rusty.'
It uses the familiar `character walks into a bar' format, concerns intergender relations, and includes a pun---what more could you ask of a joke for normals? Notice also that the humor is clearly delineated and is not embedded in other text. A sentence that is both informative _and_ humorous is just too much.
Also, feel free to use those cliches, such as our wonderful post's title. If you've heard it before, say it again when interacting with the normals. They'll thank you for it with a happy laugh. DO NOT, and I repeat for the Polish person, NOT attempt to say something truly clever or original and then proceed to laugh at your own joke. Your normal pal/waiter/airplane buddy will think you are just laughing at them because they failed to understand your nonsense.
But don't get down. You can make the joke knowing you're being ironic...and they'll never know.
Unless you're a normal. In which case, you'll want pre-approved jokes...phrases that others before you have laughed upon hearing. George Meyer, a former writer for the Simpsons noted in an interview that people hate having to figure out whether something is funny or not. He also observes that the lines which receive the greatest laugh at a movie screening are usually ones that appeared in a movie trailer...pre-approved moments of laughter!
Here's how to be funny with your Normal:
Normals like familiarity. Go ahead: stereotype! Nothing funnier than a fast-talking Hispanic or an Asian who can't drive or a dumb Polish person.
Person one: Hey, lemme tell you a great Polish joke I just heard
Person two: Fuck you, _I'm_ Polish.
Person one: That's OK, I'll explain it slowly.
Familiar forms are essential. Here's a perfect joke for normals (in B's opinion):
Iron atom walks into a bar. He sees a hot oxygen atom sitting there. She looks at the iron atom and says `have we met before' and he says, `I dunno. I'm a bit rusty.'
It uses the familiar `character walks into a bar' format, concerns intergender relations, and includes a pun---what more could you ask of a joke for normals? Notice also that the humor is clearly delineated and is not embedded in other text. A sentence that is both informative _and_ humorous is just too much.
Also, feel free to use those cliches, such as our wonderful post's title. If you've heard it before, say it again when interacting with the normals. They'll thank you for it with a happy laugh. DO NOT, and I repeat for the Polish person, NOT attempt to say something truly clever or original and then proceed to laugh at your own joke. Your normal pal/waiter/airplane buddy will think you are just laughing at them because they failed to understand your nonsense.
But don't get down. You can make the joke knowing you're being ironic...and they'll never know.
Dating
Slickaphonic is over there on Match.com---`where the normals go to breed!'. It offers suggested matches, with reasoning such as, "You both like dogs!" or "He likes bowling, too!"
After all, in a world where everybody is entirely identical save for a few random features like occupation, liking dogs, or boob size, you might as well choose the most important person in your life based upon those characteristics.
Clearly, most of the match community is perfectly happy to look just_like_everybody_else. Select a random draw from the community and the odds are about 92% that you will see the following:
"I like to have fun"
"I am a laid-back individual."
"I enjoy traveling."
"I like to relax and hang out with my friends."
"I want someone who knows what they want."
"I am just as comfortable in a tie/heels as I am in tennis shoes."
"I have a good sense of humor" (note: sense of humor NEVER proven in a profile including those words.)
"I work hard and play hard."
It's as though one individual was cloned, with variations only in activities/pets enjoyed and astrological sign. So thanks, match. But it's gonna take more than a shared interest in bowling and dogs to get me out of the house and on a date.
After all, in a world where everybody is entirely identical save for a few random features like occupation, liking dogs, or boob size, you might as well choose the most important person in your life based upon those characteristics.
Clearly, most of the match community is perfectly happy to look just_like_everybody_else. Select a random draw from the community and the odds are about 92% that you will see the following:
"I like to have fun"
"I am a laid-back individual."
"I enjoy traveling."
"I like to relax and hang out with my friends."
"I want someone who knows what they want."
"I am just as comfortable in a tie/heels as I am in tennis shoes."
"I have a good sense of humor" (note: sense of humor NEVER proven in a profile including those words.)
"I work hard and play hard."
It's as though one individual was cloned, with variations only in activities/pets enjoyed and astrological sign. So thanks, match. But it's gonna take more than a shared interest in bowling and dogs to get me out of the house and on a date.
we're not normal---and we're surrounded
B and I sat at the indie coffee shop chain today and watched in mild horror as our quiet study room filled with normals. People who could have entire, hour-long conversations devoid of content. They're prettier, they're probably employed-er, and it feels like we can't break into whatever rhythm of conversational double-dutch they have going.
Now we have a blog to help you both identify normals and deal with them.
Rest assured, freaks, people are hard at work on the pressing problem, and will be bringing the results of our extensive studies to your blogstep soon...
Now we have a blog to help you both identify normals and deal with them.
Rest assured, freaks, people are hard at work on the pressing problem, and will be bringing the results of our extensive studies to your blogstep soon...
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